Merriam-Webster defines solitude as: 1: [Noun] Loneliness; a state of being alone; a lonely life.
I think that somehow along the way over the last number of years, I have lost myself. It isn't until you are really alone that you can actually step outside yourself and see what you have become. These last few months have given me the chance to do just that. I never imagined that I would be alone. I gave my whole heart only to end up having it broken. It seems kind of surreal. How you can love someone for so long only to end up in the situation that you always feared - alone. No one to come home to, kiss you good morning, roll over in the middle of the night to spoon.....it indeed is a harsh pill to swallow. I have a gigantic lump in my throat just thinking about it (cue panic attack).
It is a process that needs to work it's way through. Someone told me recently that God doesn't give us more than we can handle. Well that must be why I am overweight, because the load that is on my shoulders sure could not have been supported on a 120 lb. frame.
But alas, I must take the bitter with the sweet and try and realize that although I have tried to be a good wife, it just wasn't enough.
"God grant me serenity to accept the things I cannot change."
And as bad as I want to fix it, I must somehow accept it. A part of me has died with this whole ordeal, but a part of me has awoken - a sleeping giant, if you will. A niggling somewhere deep in my soul that has given me the strength to stand up and tell the world that I am alive and I am going to regain my life. So Merriam-Webster may define solitude as loneliness, but I define it as an opportunity of self-discovery. And I am ready to embrace it.