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Sunday, January 1, 2012

The Chair

So here we are.  January 1, 2012.  After a long period of deliberation, I have decided to tell you the story of my battle with weight loss, health issues, and other areas of my life.  It may not mean anything to some of you, but to me, it will be a form of therapy to put my thoughts down on paper (theoretically speaking).

You are probably wondering what in the world the title of my blog is all about?  Well for me, it is a pivotal point in my life, and one that I cringe to think about even to this day.  We will start from this jumping off point.

About 3 years ago, I was tipping the scales at 267 lbs.  I was at the point in my life that I was about ready to give up on everything.  I didn't want to go out of the house, dress, shower, or be in public.  I secretly wished I could disappear forever and never come back to this place.

One Sunday afternoon, I was invited to a baby shower.  I thought of every possible excuse not to go, but someone strong-armed me into going.  After an hour of rifling through my closet of limited possibilities, I donned an inconspicuous outfit of all black (to give me the illusion of skinniness, well at least in MY mind anyway) and off I went to the shower.

When I got there, ladies were mingling around.  The table was set with all kinds of yummy goodies, sweets, dips, a vast array of temptations.  The party was centered around the kitchen mostly, as are most Maritime functions.  People were chatting idly and I felt sooooooo out of place.  Here I was, big as a house, trying to look and feel small in a kitchen full of skinnies.  My eyes darted around for some corner I could skulk off to, unnoticed, and that is when the sheer terror hit me.  All of the chairs that were placed around the kitchen were the wooden folding variety.  You probably know the kind I mean.  Slatted seats, very wobbly, might hold a 120 lb. person easily enough, but there was no way in H.E. double hockey sticks that the chair was going support my 267 lb. ass.  I could feel the shit-waves going through me, wondering how on earth I was going to escape this.

Time came for everyone to take their seats as the festivities started.  I grabbed a chair with sweaty hands and shoved it to the back of the kitchen.  With trembling legs, I gingerly eased my way down, almost hovering, over the seat of the rickety chair.  Just as I put my full weight onto the seat, it happened.  That unmistakeable CRACK!  The chair broke and I fell on the floor.  I was MORTIFIED.  At that moment, I wanted the earth to open up and swallow me whole.  The hostess ran over to make sure I was ok, but my face was so red from embarrassment.  People just looked at me then away, not wanting to make eye contact. "Fatty broke the chair", I was sure they were thinking.  "Perhaps she should lay off the Deely Bobs", I could hear them saying in my head.  The hostess returned shortly with another chair, this one much more sturdy, where I sat, quiet as a mouse, for the remainder of the party.  It was at that point that I vowed to myself never to get myself into this situation again.

That was 3 years ago, and I have thought of it every time I go somewhere and have to sit.  "Am I going to break the chair?" These are things that I shouldn't have to worry about.  I have enough stress in my life at the moment without having to worry if I am going to be flossing my ass with someones chair splinters.

At the end of my weight loss journey, I want to be able to say, "No thanks, I'll stand" when offered a chair.  Not because I am scared I will break it, but because I know that finally I can stand on my own. Two.  Feet.


  1. Wow Wanda! I had a chair experience like that at the hair salon years ago...and the owner said that it happens to everyone and I just thought, "No I really doubt that!"

    I really hated having to squeeze through the space behind someone's chair...there were times when you HAD to ask them to move or get up and I often tried to choose a seat where that would not happen or put off getting up to go to the bathroom just because of it.

    Last night, we were at a wedding and I had the experience again. Had to ask this young guy to push his chair in but now at over 100 lbs lighter, I didn't need as big a space! I still had that moment of anxiety but it wasn't accompanied by the look of disgust the kid might have shot me in the past for not being able to fit and disturbing him. True, that look might have been imagined by me but I know I got it for real on several occasions. Don't even start me on restaurant boothes...

    But you writing this blog and reaching out is such a way WILL help you and everyone else so much! Big congrats for taking this step and keep posting!

  2. Wanda

    Reading this brought tears to my eyes for two reasons. One, because of the pain and humiliation suffered by such a beautiful woman and two, because of my happiness for you for taking your life back.

    Although I don't know what it's like to be at 267lbs, I do know what it's like to be hovering the width of a hair from 200lbs. Because that's where I was in 2005. And there's no joy in it. It was like being contained in a prison of sadness. And that's not living.It's just existing. You deserve so much more than that!!!

    I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that you will take full control of your life once again. I know you will have a wonderful support system through your sister Wendy (who is absolutely fabulous and I stand in awe of her). There is nothing you cannot do Wanda. I, for one, believe in you and support you as well.

    Good luck to you!! I look forward to reading your blog and following your progress on this great journey. I applaud you!!!

    Shelly Anne Rhynold :-)

  3. I have tears here, too. I love you, Wanda.
    YOU FRIGGIN' GO, GIRL. Anything I can do to help, just let me know.

  4. This is such a great post for New Year's! Thank you for articulating your experience - as it is mine, too. Blessings to you in the new year and on your journey!

  5. Great post! Have a great new year!

  6. Wanda, I am so glad that you have decided to do this blog and that you are taking back your life. I too struggle with weight and as of this morning was tipping the scale at 258. I have no doubt in my mind though that you will be able to take back your life and become the woman you want to be. I'll be following your journey as I know that it will be a journey worth following.

  7. I am so grateful for this blog that will give us all the opportunity to support Wanda and each other. Until someone has tipped the scale over 200 , 250 or more lbs, they do not really know that struggle and the mental readiness it requires to begin the journey. It is a journey to health and fitness and not just about the destination.

  8. I couldn't agree more, Rhonda. People sometimes just look at you when you're overweight without realizing that it isn't just about sitting down and eating everything in sight. There are medical and emotional and also physical factors which I will also be blogging about in the not too distant future so people will REALLY know who I am and what I am going through. I am sick of being judged without people knowing the real story.

  9. greetings from usa!
    you have a great blog.
    you are welcomed to visit me
    thank you.

  10. Sorry, Had to many mistakes in that last post. Thank You for writing about this Wandie ♥ Many hugs! I too have had this very thing happen. It's so horrible. I find I don't go many places for this and other reasons. I hate going to any type of appointment as the chairs are always micro mini's. Hug!

  11. Way to go Wanda!! I know when I started my blogging journey sometimes the mouse hovered over the "publish" box!! each time after I hit the button I would hear from someone that could relate from my story. Its hard to put ourselves out there but there is definitely rewards in it as well! Those days when we think it only happens to us.... surprise it happens to lots of people. The difference is being willing to put it out there. I wish you all the best and I will be watching out for your future posts!

  12. wonderful job Wandie.Keep them coming.xoxo

  13. Wanda just discovered your blog; shocked & sad for you. BUT GIRL trust me it does get sooooo much better,maybe not today or tomorrow,but it will. You are a wonderful person and don't ever forget it.
    Take care