Imagine.......

This 7 letter word is something that possesses more power than one can, well, imagine.

Ever since I was a small child, my parents always told me I had an active imagination.  But picture a world without wonder.  A world that does not allow us to fathom things beyond our comprehension.  To put ourselves in someone else's shoes......

When I moved to Alberta in October of 2012, little did I realize what was in store for me.  Armed with only two suitcases and no plan, I had left my little crab shell of a life that I had known for most of my life.  It is not until one is alone, is there mind free to embrace the realm of possibilities and ponder what is in store for each one of us.  I was in a new place, surrounded by strangers.  A world very different from the one I left. 

That first Christmas here, I was alone.  I had come across a group on Facebook for volunteers for an annual community Christmas dinner for those who were alone or less fortunate.  I felt the need to go and lend a hand.  What I witnessed is something I will never forget.  At 12 o'clock, people started making their way into the basement of the church, where tables were set up ready to feed the masses.  Men, women and children filed into their seats, some looking around, almost in awe at what stood before them.  The volunteers stood in a line in front of the buffet area, until everyone was seated.  It was everything I could do to hold back the tears watching the crowd seated, waiting for their meal.
After the minister said grace, the most beautiful thing happened.  One by one, they lined up waiting to be served.  I was manning one of the food stations, and with each one that went by, I made sure to look them in the eye and give them a warm "Merry Christmas" blessing.  I did not look at them with judgement or prejudice.  But with compassion.  These people are someone's children, mother, father, aunt or uncle, grandmother or grandfather.  How they came to be at this point in their lives is more than one might care to know.  But just for a minute......stop.  And imagine what it would be like to be without a home.  A car.  A warm bed to sleep in each night.  A place to go to the bathroom.  No hot shower.  It is really hard to comprehend such a thing.

So many people just pass by day after day, like they are invisible.  The longer I am here, the more aware I am becoming that homelessness in this city is indeed a reality.  It weighs on my mind every day.  I drive the streets and see people lying in the snow, trying to find shelter in these bitter winter conditions, wearing the familiar blue and yellow jackets handed out to them by goodwill. They trudge along the sidewalks, heads down, seemingly embarrassed.  They line the walls outside the casino, liquor stores, hoping for someone to spare some change.  I know a lot of you have the same mentality when it comes to giving money to them. "Well they'll only spend it on booze anyhow."  My question to you is can you blame them? Imagine having nothing in your life.....no personal belongings, rummaging through trash cans outside of restaurants to find your next meal, being afraid to close your eyes at night for fear of someone beating you up, every day being a living hell.  A real life Groundhog Day.  If a $5 bottle of booze will help ease that pain for even a short while, I would probably drink too.

I know not everyone is going to share my views on this.  But that's ok.  We are all entitled to our own thoughts and opinions.  The message I am trying to relay is this:  Take a look around you.  Take stock of everything you own and love.  Now close your eyes and imagine it all being gone.  Imagine being cold and hungry and alone.  People are sometimes victims of circumstance.  Anyone of us could be there in the blink of an eye.  These people are just that......people.  They all have a story.  One that I would personally like to hear.  Maybe then, just then, we can stop judging others and do like my tattoo above says.....Imagine.


Imagine there's no heaven
It's easy if you try
No hell below us
Above us only sky
Imagine all the people living for today

Imagine there's no countries
It isn't hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too
Imagine all the people living life in peace

You, you may say
I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one
I hope some day you'll join us
And the world will be as one

Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people sharing all the world

You, you may say
I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one
I hope some day you'll join us
And the world will live as one

I've Got The Power............

Janet Jackson says it best......click to watch YouTube video that inspired this post... :)

This is a story about control.

My control.
Control of what I say.
Control of what I do.
And this time I'm gonna do it my way.
I hope you enjoy this as much as I do.
Are we ready?
I am.
'Cause it's all about control.
And I've got lots of it.

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Control was not something I ever thought I possessed..... until now.  I'm not just talking about food.  Control pertaining to all aspects of my life.  Who I am friends with, the choices I make, what I want long term.....I have the power.  I control what I say, I control what I do.  I never before in my life have felt more sure of things.  When you believe that you have the power to do things, anything is possible.  Did I ever think that I could reach this milestone of 75 lbs. lost?  In the beginning, hell no.  It was like standing at the bottom of Mount Everest and looking up and wondering how in the name of Pete am I going to get up to the top.  But here I am....mind you I'm not at the top yet, but I have my crampons dug firmly into the side of that mountain and am slowing making my way to the top.

This whole experience is changing my life....not only phyically, but spiritually, mentally, emotionally.  The person who once stood before me in the mirror is slowing fading and the new me is breaking out of the cocoon.  During my Skype conversation with my sister, Wendy last night, I told her it amazes me when I take a progress pic and I sometimes have to look at it twice because I really TRULY find it hard to believe that is me.  I am not taking pics and posting them on my FB wall for anyone but me.  I think I have earned bragging rights, so if that makes me conceited, so be it...Haters gonna hate.  It is friggen hard ass work dedicating yourself to go to the gym 6 days a week.  I have no regrets.  My hope is that other people will see what I am doing and realize they have the power to change themselves too. 

I honestly give props to anyone who makes the sacrifice to do it.  Because it's about control.  You control your choice to go to the gym or out for drinks and wings after work on Friday night.  You control whether or not to have the packet of salad dressing with almost as much fat as a Big Mac, or skip the dressing this time. It does get easier after time.  I don't get swayed easily anymore by the cheesecake slice in the dessert case.  Why?  Because I know that I am gonna have to move my ass 10 times harder at the gym.  Not saying I am never not going to have a piece of cheesecake, but when I do, it is going to be a special occasion and I am going to enjoy it.  Fine china, elegant silverware.....savoring every bite....not just hoovering it and end up eating another piece.  Controlllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll......

Which brings me to my newest venture.....yoga.....which is totally about control.  Breathing, balance, letting go of shit that doesn't matter.....It is one of the smartest things I have ever done.  I am in loveeeeeeeeeee......When I leave class, I feel energized, collected and and renewed.  I can see this becoming a true passion of mine.  It is also a great compliment to my gym routine which consists of a lot of weight lifting.  The stretch it gives your body is amazing.  I totally recommend it to anyone.  Balanced Body Yoga is where I go on Saturday mornings for anyone in the Fort Mac area who wants to check it out.

Just believe in yourself that you have the power to change.  It isn't going to happen overnight and I honestly believe that this is a journey that I will be on the rest of my life.  And I am excited about that.  Watching your body transform, seeing muscles gain definition, and stamina increase is an amazing experience.  I am not doing this for anyone else but ME.  Why?  Because I. AM. WORTH. IT.

You've Come A Long Way Baby.....

I have just hit a monumental point in my weight loss journey..........the transition from the two's to the one's.....I cannot tell you the elation that I felt the other day when I stepped on the scale and saw those magical numbers staring back at me.

It has been 12 years since I have seen a "1" in front of my weight.  My sister tells me not to obsess over the number on the scale, but for me this was a huge hurdle that I was trying to get over.  I feel like I can now focus on the rest of my weight loss journey with a sense of freedom that I have now hit the 70 pound weight loss mark.

For those of you who can't visualize how much this weighs, perhaps this might help:  

x 14

x 70

To everyone who has sent me encouraging messages and in boxes, commented on my blog posts, emails, and Facebook posts, THANK YOU!  You cannot know how much they all mean to me.  

To anyone who says they can't do it, I am living proof that it can be done.  Granted, nothing comes without hard work and perseverance.  And it is about a lifestyle change and learning what program works best for you.  But don't be afraid to ask questions and do research.  

 

Just a little refresher of where I started 70 lbs ago:

 

 

And this was me on weigh in day:

I don't remember the last time I bought a pair of jeans in the regular size section of any store.


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Life is just getting better each day and I want to be around to enjoy it!

Farewell to Nova Scotia.....

Farewell to Nova Scotia - Sons of Maxwell

So the time has come to say farewell, au revoir, adios....well you get my drift.  Farewell to Nova Scotia.  For the meantime at least.  Not to say that I will never return, but it is time for a change.  A lot has transpired in the last year and few months.  It's amazing how a year can change your perspective on life.  This time last year, well things weren't looking so bright.  But that't the past.  Let's talk about now and the future.

I believe I am destined for great things.  I'm not talking about winning the Nobel Peace Prize for my research on the effects of the full moon which produce strange effects such as the Crocodile Death Spin, causing bouts of sleeplessness, rampant house cleaning binges, and other such phenomenon.  I am talking about doing something meaningful each day, something that affirms why I was brought into this world, something that I can honestly say I love.

Living in small town Antigonish, albeit a wonderful, safe place to live, is missing something for me.  I will miss the late night walks in town, early morning trips to the Landing, seeing familiar faces and the sights and sounds of the Highland Heart.  But I will make new friends, new memories, see new places and experience new things. We have "One Life" and I am going to try and make the rest of mine the best it can possibly be.

I have finally started to take control of my life and put myself first - a concept that was always foreign to me.  I am getting in shape, learning how to fuel my body, and regaining my self confidence.  All I can say, is Alberta better watch out....Hurricane Wan is on the way....

Mirror, Mirror on the wall.....

Who is the fairest of them all? Oh how I wish it was me.....

Body image is how we perceive ourselves and how we think that others perceive us. It is the age old battle that we wage against ourselves to try and find happiness in our appearance.

Society is largely to blame, in my opinion, for the negative self-images we inflict upon ourselves. We are constantly plagued by advertisements, tv and magazines telling us blatantly (perhaps even subliminally) that we are socially unacceptable unless we have long hair or sleek thighs or a toned midriff. For the average woman like myself, this can be sheer torture. Finding self love is almost impossible. There are many a day that I feel so out of place with society. Embarrassed to exist even.  Being fat sucks.

Since my newfound relationship status in July of last year, I have started to re-enter the world of men and dating. What a scary place. The young, fit, confident me that existed 18 years ago has been buried deep within my core. I now have to deal with finding someone who can look past the physical to get to the real me. This is a very hard pill for me to swallow as I feel so trapped in this big old body of mine that the real me can not shine through. I feel like I am limited in my options of who will want me because in my mind, no man wants a fat chick. It is a double edged sword, if you will. Here I am on one hand preaching that we shouldn't be judged on our appearance and yet here I am judging myself. Anyone have the phone number for a good therapist? Cripes.

I. Am. Passion.

As we approach Valentine's Day, I cringe.....there will be no flowers this year, no sappy "I Will Love You to the Depths of Eternity" cards, no chocolates, stuffed bears or other miscellaneous paraphernalia.  And it makes me sad.  This will be the first time in 17 years that I have not had someone to kiss and say "I love you" to.

But even though those years are gone, the passion still remains deep within me.  I am determined not to let my flame be extinguished.  I have so much love to give, it lives in my every pore.  Surely someday, I will find someone who will love me back the way that I DESERVE to be loved.

So for now until that day arrives, I am harnessing a different type of passion.  A passion for re-discovering myself.  Embracing what I have been dealt and moving forward.  Sometimes to do this, we must re-arrange our lives to be able to see more clearly.  I am looking out for myself now, and myself only.  It may seem selfish to some people, but if I don't do it, no one else will.  

So for those of you who have someone to love and hold on this upcoming Valentine's Day, unleash your passion.  Take a good look at the person in your life and appreciate them, because life is too short to not have passion it it.

Soul-itude

That's right...the title of this post is not a typo.  I am talking about soul.  And solitude.

Being alone for the last 7 months, I have learned a lot about myself.  Things that I thought I once was not capable of are now within arms reach.  I am looking at myself with new eyes now.  Re-assessing my life, my goals, my dreams. 

I have always been somewhat of an independent person.  I never really felt the need to have a gaggle of friends around me at any given time.  Call me weird, but I enjoy my alone time.  The world is so hectic at times, that it is easy to get lost in the day to day obligations of life.  For my own mental & physical well being, I need to make myself do things, even though I may not feel like doing them.  Like the Will Do List I made for 2012, who my friend, Yvonne encouraged me to make.  One of the things on my list is to do at least 30 minutes of exercise.  Every. Single. Day.  This is my one chance, no matter what I have going on in my life, that I can be alone and just breathe.  It amazes me how something so small can be so wonderful for our minds.  And usually, I will walk longer than the 30 minutes, because even though I was hesitant to go outside when it is 10 below zero, I am now out and bundled up and I feel so good!  The endorphins are flowing and life is good!

Another aspect of my life that has changed since my new-found singleness, is re-discovering my passion for food (which I have previous blogged about in the post Food Porn).  I am looking at food in a whole different way now.  Something has made me get to the weight I am, and now I am aware of  what I am putting into by body every day.  I have to be.  Instead of living to eat, I am eating to live.  It isn't too late to change my habits as I hope to live a long life, so the change begins NOW.

I am also trying to weed the negativity out of my life.  This can be something as simple as keeping my house clean to the people that I associate with.  I need to be around people who bring out the best in me, and although there may be the Negative Nellies in the world who are prepared to suck the life blood from your existence, you must learn to brush them off and look past them.  Those people are just miserable in their own life, and they live to make other people the same way.

I am beginning to live my life from my heart and soul.  I am trying to banish the thoughts that I was a bad wife, that I wasn't worthy of love, that I was too big for someone to love me.  I hope someday that I will find someone who will love me for who I am and not for who I once was.  This is me.  Embrace me.